Before all of my friends disown me for being so stupid let me make one thing clear. I KNOW I’M AN IDIOT and I know all my fabulously gorgeous, brilliant and strong female friends (oh, and my lil’ brother too for that matter) hate the fact that I am still talking/texting whatever with the professor. Look, I am not perfect and this is the only thing going for me right now. Well, that’s not true…
Ginger and I talked last night and he might meet me next weekend while I am traveling. He is unsure if he can get the time off but is looking into it. I am not holding my breath but he seems really determined to see me sooner than later which is kind of surprising.
Anyhow, I have stupidly agreed to go out with the professor on Saturday. I know, I know, stop screaming and/or groaning in disgust. At some point I will just say no and mean it but that day is not today. And to all of my friends, you do not need to remind me that:
- I am stupid
- That he is not into me
- That he has a girlfriend/might be married
- That he is not the one
- That he is a jerk
I know all of that already, and it hasn’t escaped me that I would be giving the same advice you all are giving to me if the tables were turned. But this is what I want to do and I know full well it is not smart. I can not properly convey in words how lonely I am and have been for a long time. Even though that is no excuse, it’s the only one I have. I am missing the intimacy, comfort and strength a romantic relationship provides, period.
And honestly my mother dying has played a big part of what I am going through because I can not be comforted by the void she has left by friends or family. The comfort I seek can only come from the bond created in an intimate romantic relationship. I want someone who will hold me and comfort me and who I am completely vulnerable with. I know that the professor is not that person, but it is the closest I have right now even though I know it’s not going to work out in the end.
I am not perfect, this is my story and my journey… the good, the bad and the ugly truth. I am writing openly and honestly about my experience.